A theoretical problem

The drive of the human spirit stems more from emotion than from rationality. Rationality is more of a driver in that it enables us to actualise the possibilities we envisage. Be the possibility an Olympic medal, an award winning Film, A polio vaccine, a casual sexual encounter or even a murder. Emotion is what helps us see the possibilities. For that matter even an unproved theorem of pure mathematics is not purely rational. It originated with a fascination about that particular area of Maths and was evolved by intuition.
The need to subjugate emotion to rationality has been stressed by many including philosophers and so called Gods right from Krishna to modern day gurus like Robin Sharma. But even then we are left with a gamut of emotions to deal with, master and improve.
I will not talk about the negative emotions here. Christianity with its seven deadly sins serves as a reasonable guide to negative emotions. I intend to deal with positive emotions. Posit a hierarchy of them and look to your opinion and your hierarchy as these are highly disputable matters
The positive emotions that come to mind include love, caring, nurturing, respect including self respect, protectiveness, sympathy, pity, admiration, gratitude, compassion. (I do not include aspects as Motherly love, fatherly love, brotherly love, altruism, inspiration in this category as they are combinations of the above emotions. A Combination of caring nurturing and loving make the mother figure; A combination of Loving, protectiveness and enforcing respect become fatherly love, and a combination of love and caring becomes altruism. Patriotism is a combination of loving gratitude, admiration and protectiveness). If I had to prioritise these, this would be my list from lowest to highest. 10 is the highest and the best
1) Sympathy
2) Admiration
3) Respect
4) Pity
5) Protectiveness
6) Loving
7) Gratitude
8) Caring
9) Nurturing
10) Compassion

The discerning reader will observe one thing at first sight of this list. The scope of the emotion reduces as you go down. You are sympathetic towards many, admire and respect some, protect love and care for a few, nurture maybe just a couple of people in your life- your children and compassion! Ah that golden feeling is rarest today. DO not mistake pity or sympathy for compassion. Pity and sympathy are purely reactive forces , a product of “If I were in his place” they do not involve acceptance.
Most of the list is obvious but still I think I need to clarify a few points which are

1) Why does respect score so low?
2)Why not sympathy over admiration?
3) Why Caring over Love?
4) Why pity above respect?
5) Why Nurturing over Caring?
6) Why Gratitude over loving?
7)And foremost why compassion foremost?

Feel free to skip any discussion you feel you do not require

1) Why does respect score so low?
One thing I have observed is the human tendency to proceeding from respect to deification or unquestioning obeisance. This is an attitude I notice particularly towards parents. We tend to not even think once that our parents may be unjust in their dealings say with a maid servant. Even in the professional sphere I see so many people simply refusing to argue points out with their bosses and taking opinions at face value. This goes against the heuristic of progress. 4 out of 5 times our boss may be right but the marginal improvement that was possible in the 5th is missed out. At the least arguing a point out clears your thinking process about the decision

2) Why not sympathy over admiration?
Sympathy is a feeling that rarely excites more than a cluck of the tongue and a few words. On the contrary admiration has a greater ability of enforcing positive behavior both for the self and for the group. Admiration is often what translated into inspiration and then on into action. Sympathy rarely translates into say charity

3) Why Caring over Love?
As a language lover I can tell you the word Love is the one of the most abused words in every language. It has been given so many meanings of which most are mistaken. In its purest sense love means a feeling of reciprocity and specialness with someone. The problem with love is it involves anticipated reciprocity. If you doubt that remember that there is some truth to the old sexist English adage “Hell hath no fury like a woman spurned”. On the contrary caring does not always expect reciprocity. This reminds me of the beautiful Booker winning book English Patient and also how Nursing is indeed as noble a profession as medicine.

4) Why pity above respect?
This is an important distinction to make. First you must be clear that pity is NOT sympathy. Pity implies action, sympathy does not. Also you must have noted my observation on respect blinding us to others faults. Thus pity ranks higher. You must also wonder why pity is ranked so low. It is simply because pity is quite often a post facto emotion and also it does not last very long. You can care for a person for years but pity rarely lasts more than a few minutes. Also being a post facto emotion pity often is compensatory in nature than just

5) Why Nurturing over Caring?
Nurturing and caring are very similar emotions. Some might call it a semantic difference but by definition nurturing helps a person grow. Caring on the other hand is a conservative force. It might prevent someone from degenerating but rarely does it help a person grow. This focus on developing another individual makes nurturing a better emotion to foster

6) Why Gratitude over loving?
This is a vital difference. Gratitude as an emotion does not begin with your action. It begins with someone else’s action progresses to your feeling of gratitude and your reciprocal action. Do not mistake gratitude for reciprocal altruism or in simpler words “ you scratch my back I scratch yours “ behavior. Gratitude also forms emotional ties between the two people. Reciprocal altruism forms rational ties. And in relationships just as your personal ties are more important than your professional your emotional ties are more important than your rational. Love on the other hand is a mutual feeling, there is no feeling of obligation of origination. This makes love a slightly inferior feeling

7) And foremost why compassion foremost?
“How Can I Complain of Injustice in this world when the dreams of those who sleep on feather beds are no more beautiful than the dreams of those who sleep on the hard earth” Kahlil Gibran
These words of one of the Most compassionate poets of all time echo in my ears. The beauty of compassion lies in the following. Every person I know is engrossed in the concerns of his own life, some grapple with illness. Others with deaths of loved ones, yet others with financial issues. To each his problems are foremost and he defines his reality in terms of his limitations, his aspirations and his means to reach them. Each one struggles but still never comes to terms with his own trauma and defines his boundaries within it.. The beauty of compassion as an emotion is that it helps us transcend our self set boundaries, our walls of perception. Mind you it is not the same as pity and sympathy. They are reactive feelings. Compassion is proactive. You just don’t feel bad about something that happened to somebody( Sympathy/ Pity), You FEEL the same pain it in your veins and at the same time you have the wisdom and the perspicacity to think of a solution to not just the specific trouble but to the generic. Compassion opens you up the possibility of entering and accepting other worlds and other realities. And most importantly compassion cleanses. No sorrow, slight or hurt is too much for a person who knows compassion. You can understand that sorrows are collective as are joys, that slights are always enacted by people who did not experience sufficient love or nurturing in their lives, and that hurts are not permanent. For every family members death you face and every illness you undergo you know for every person among your family and friends who shares your burden there are a million children who have never known a family or a true friend. Compassion is not a reactive feeling as compassion is what stirs you to lead a braver, more difficult, eventful, challenging life. And truly a more fulfilling life.

And yes revenge indeed is the purest emotion! Darkness always comes before light!

A simple piece

This essay deals with the difficulty of choosing a suitable response with strangers to both hostile and friendly behavior and how in the end it is always better to go for a “tit for tat” rather than being persistently vindictive.
Ever since I shifted to Ahmedabad I have had a problem finding a decent place for food. Either you have the small Thepla, Dabeli, Khandwa sellers or the Expensive Restaurants. Luckily for me one day I chanced upon a nice Udipi Hotel very near my hotel. It was a very small place and consisted of a cook, a helper cum waiter and an occasionally present proprietor. It was not too popular. The menu was not exactly wide with hardly 30 dishes on the menu which reduced to about 8 if you discounted the various variants of dosa and uttapam. It became my regular haunt for dinner. Over time they came to recognize me as a regular patron and the waiter who happened to be South Indian exchanged smiles whenever I came or left. I also used to tip him handsomely
The issue I deal with took place when I visited the place after a gap of 2 3 days. It had just been pay day and I chose to eat at rather exotic places in the interregnum. Normally I used to order a curd rice, a sambhar rice and a couple of papads. Today I decided to substitute the curd rice for two sandwiches. One a butter sandwich and the other a cheese Jam sandwich priced at 10 Rs and 30 Rs respectively. As usual the service was swift and I was given a plate with 4 quarters of a slice of bread and butter. The slices seemed unusually thin which made me realize that there was hardly any butter in it. My first reaction was of disappointment and anger. The second was whether I should protest and make a fuss to which a permissive inner voice told me “After all we have been exchanging smiles and been friendly for the past two months, why raise a fuss, after all it is priced at Just Rs 10”. Then spoke the Services MBA in me who remembered the gyaan guest speakers at conclaves had given about how we were moving from “customer delight” to “customer ecstasy”. Of course yet another inner voice told me that all that was gas and I should just lump it. Nevertheless I called the waiter and showing a slice to him asked “where is the butter? He replied “inside the pores”. It was not meant to be an insolent reply but it got on my nerves . I raised my voice and gave him an earful including telling him to price it at 20 if he wanted but not present such a charade before me again. By this time the owner also came over and took the sandwich to be buttered again and smiled at me to placate me. When it was brought back there was far more butter on it, sufficient for a 10 Rs sandwich. I had my meal and was leaving without tipping. I realized they might try and be friendly to me. I decided I would walk out in a huff without returning their smiles. And indeed they did smile at me both the proprietor and the waiter. They were genuine and simple hearted smiles especially the waiters. Now naturally I am a polite person and instinctively wanted to smile back. But I walked on. I was thinking to myself what must their motivation to smile at me be? Surely business interest? Or the familiarity we shared? Or Both? BY this point I was quite a few steps ahead a voice inside me was telling me “Hriday be man enough you can still go back and wave goodbye to them as always”. I ignored it and walked on, the voice retorted “Don’t be a stuffy adult. It wont make you a lesser man to go back and wave to them” So indeed I walked back. I waved at them, they waved back. And I felt good! Warm inside!
The sceptic inside me still doubts if it was the please all Hriday who waved goodbye or if it was my response to make peace not having a more convenient place for dinner. I don’t know who is right. The child who waved goodbye to the passing trains or the sceptic who is a born again cynic. In fact I don’t even know if I will go back to that restaurant again. But I do know that I felt good when I waved and they waved back! And perhaps that if I had not waved back my mood would have been sore now unlike the pleasantness I feel now!