I will be turning 26 in a few
days time. And I wonder what have I achieved…On reflection I realize all the
promise of youth has been wasted. My maker endowed me with so much talent but
right now I am a nobody. The struggles seem endless, successes few. I just want
to write down what I am going through.
There are many things I could
argue in my defence for a lack of success. Back surgery, a sisters death. So much I could
claim, but at the end of the day what I measure myself against is the
scoreboard and it reads 0 right now.
The first goal I set myself was
to make it to Princeton University. Studied for that from a 1987 edition second
hand book I found at a flea shop. Lacked parental support. Never made it.
Failed miserably. The score read 0
The last major goal I set for
myself was IIM Ahmedabad. Never made it. Bore the taunts of my batchmates at
UBS, who laughed at me for dreaming so big. But nevertheless made it to FMS.
Sort of a consolation prize. The score still reads 0
Now in this hurdle I aspire to
become a Foreign Service Officer! No less! I don’t want this to end up like
another consolation prize where they say “Son, here is your ticket to the
Indian Revenue Service. You can catch Lalajees
who shirk tax”
Nevertheless I am in real danger
of ending up in that scenario with my terrible hand writing…In my previous
attempt at this exam, I scored a pathetic 47/300 in my strongest paper, thanks
to my handwriting…. I fear failure so much. Even if the Indian Revenue Service
be a great success for my parents and friends….
But you know what? One thing has
not changed…The innocence might be gone but my eyes are still as filled with hope as it was ten years back! I still
have that magical Pandorean gift-Hope! I still have belief… Its difficult but
somewhere inside me I still believe in myself. Somewhere my Body still trembles
with hope and inspiration as I pass the Foreign Service Institute in Ber
Sarai..
My clothes are faded. Am tired of
the same Dal rice for lunch for the last one and a half years but I just refuse
to quit. As Ernest Hemingway pointed out “Man can be destroyed but not
defeated!” And as I find washing clothes is actually good exercise!
Right now I think there is only
one person who thinks I am a genius and backs me all the time without doubting
me ever to beat all the odds…And that’s none other than me! Eagles never flew
in flocks! :P
I really don’t know if I will
make it. There are too many variables involved. But I know this fire and desire
in my eyes of hope shall Never die! Till I am alive!
