Tattoo on my naked soul!

I will be turning 26 in a few days time. And I wonder what have I achieved…On reflection I realize all the promise of youth has been wasted. My maker endowed me with so much talent but right now I am a nobody. The struggles seem endless, successes few. I just want to write down what I am going through.

There are many things I could argue in my defence for a lack of success. Back surgery, a sisters death. So much I could claim, but at the end of the day what I measure myself against is the scoreboard and it reads 0 right now.

The first goal I set myself was to make it to Princeton University. Studied for that from a 1987 edition second hand book I found at a flea shop. Lacked parental support. Never made it. Failed miserably. The score read 0

The last major goal I set for myself was IIM Ahmedabad. Never made it. Bore the taunts of my batchmates at UBS, who laughed at me for dreaming so big. But nevertheless made it to FMS. Sort of a consolation prize. The score still reads 0

Now in this hurdle I aspire to become a Foreign Service Officer! No less! I don’t want this to end up like another consolation prize where they say “Son, here is your ticket to the Indian Revenue Service. You can catch Lalajees who shirk tax”

Nevertheless I am in real danger of ending up in that scenario with my terrible hand writing…In my previous attempt at this exam, I scored a pathetic 47/300 in my strongest paper, thanks to my handwriting…. I fear failure so much. Even if the Indian Revenue Service be a great success for my parents and friends….

But you know what? One thing has not changed…The innocence might be gone but my eyes are still as filled  with hope as it was ten years back! I still have that magical Pandorean gift-Hope! I still have belief… Its difficult but somewhere inside me I still believe in myself. Somewhere my Body still trembles with hope and inspiration as I pass the Foreign Service Institute in Ber Sarai..

My clothes are faded. Am tired of the same Dal rice for lunch for the last one and a half years but I just refuse to quit. As Ernest Hemingway pointed out “Man can be destroyed but not defeated!” And as I find washing clothes is actually good exercise!

Right now I think there is only one person who thinks I am a genius and backs me all the time without doubting me ever to beat all the odds…And that’s none other than me! Eagles never flew in flocks! :P

I really don’t know if I will make it. There are too many variables involved. But I know this fire and desire in my eyes of hope shall Never die! Till I am alive!